Let’s jump right into it today. We’re going to look at how you can transform soft, apologetic language into a more assertive tone (without losing your friendliness).

🤔 What is “being assertive”?

Being assertive is not being aggressive. It allows you to:

• Communicate your needs or wants clearly with others

• Demonstrate that you respect yourself AND others

• Prove your value to your team

Assertiveness is not:

• Being cruel or aggressive to others

• Making unreasonable demands

• A way to steamroller other peoples’ ideas

• Confrontation or unnecessary conflict

🥰 You can be assertive and still be kind.

A really common thing I see in the workplace is that people want to be liked, please others, and not cause unnecessary conflict – which means that they accidentally end up being incredibly passive. You can be assertive and well-liked! In fact, being assertive is such a vital part of workplace communication that it should improve your relationship with your coworkers.

We’re going to look at three examples of passive messages, examine what’s not working about them, and rewrite them to be more assertive.

✏️ Rewriting example #1

😬 What’s wrong with it?

This message is so apologetic, it’s almost like you’re sorry that you have to speak to the other person at all.

It also buries the ask (“look at the slides,”) and makes it sound like it’s optional. It also doesn’t explain why you would like them to look at your slides, or what you’d like them to do after looking at them.

Finally, the “no rush” at the end blows your chance at a deadline. Realistically, you won’t be able to wait around forever for this person to provide input since you’ll have to present at some point, and you might even need to do more work before then. If input really does matter, then you’ll need to follow up with this person to remind them – which runs the risk of making you seem passive aggressive instead.

👍️ How we’ll fix it.

We’re going to make our ask clear and direct, and then remove any apologies since we’ve done nothing wrong here.

✏️ Rewriting example #2

😬 What’s wrong with it?

This message is confusing, because it says you’ve finished your work, but you’re also open to making any changes. It invites critique that is actually “too late,” which means you’ll have to decide between ignoring their feedback or rushing to make the changes.

It also doesn’t provide a timeline. Like our first example, this is vague and leaves it up to the other person to decide if it’s worth their time right now.

The “of course” is small, but it makes it very clear that the other person is running the show here. If you’re working with a peer, it sends a signal that they’re more important than you – and that can follow you to other projects.

👍️ How we’ll fix it.

If you’re open to feedback, declare the kind of feedback you’re actually open to and set a firm deadline. And if you’re not really open to feedback, don’t mention it. If something is seriously wrong, the other person won’t need your permission to tell you.

And of course, cut the apologetic language.

✏️ Rewriting example #3

😬 What’s wrong with it?

First off, “it’s probably just me misunderstanding” transfers blame onto you unnecessarily. It downplays your experience, and implies that you’re aware that you’re asking a stupid question. (You probably aren’t.)

There are also a lot of hedging words in this example: “hope,” “not sure,” “probably,” and a couple of points where “really” is used to downplay impact. This usually is a sign that you’re trying to avoid offending the other person, and it can weaken your question – it’s easier to dismiss.

And if you’re the sort of person to say things like this when in reality you mean that you disagree, this hint won’t convey that correctly.

👍️ How we’ll fix it.

Be clear about what you don’t understand and ask for clarification. You don’t need to apologise for not following, so you can also cut out any apologies.

📝 Have I been assertive enough? Here’s how to check your ask.

When practicing being assertive, it’s much easier to start writing since you take your time to edit. As you get more and more practiced, you’ll notice it starts to come naturally – even when you’re put on the spot.

If you need a bit of a checklist, here are some quick questions you can ask yourself before you send that email or message:

• Have I apologised unnecessarily?

• Have I accidentally put myself down?

• Have I made my expectations clear, without softening them?

You can also ask AI tools like ChatGPT to help you make your message more assertive – just be sure to edit it to make it sound like you!